This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
