I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
