you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
