careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
