I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Randomize
