There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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