after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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