dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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