I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
