This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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