worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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