we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
