Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Drunk is not a location!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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