kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
