My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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