Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
