nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
