Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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