Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
