please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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