in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
