Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
