these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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