I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
