Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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