then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
