She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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