i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
