guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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