I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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