My sheets look like a crime scene.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
