I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
