I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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