last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
