New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
