just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Pants are for mortals
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
