oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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