wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I am one with the molecules
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
