Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
