when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
