i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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