she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
