Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
