my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
