Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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