literally had 100 drinks last night.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
