I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
