last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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