I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
