i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
