Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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