the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she woke up with a sticky ear
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
