awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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