How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
